If Only
by On Dark Wings
Summary: If only I knew where all this would lead to. I would've stopped without a second thought, but instead I dug a deeper hole, one I couldn't get out of. And look where that got me...


Title: If Only

Summary: If only I knew where all this would lead to. I would've stopped without a second thought, but instead I dug a deeper hole, one I couldn't get out of. And look where that got me...

Warnings: There will be character death in this, towards the end of the story, probably. Maybe language later on in the chapters, but nothing too frequent. It's rated 'T' for now, but I'll change if I feel the need it should be bumped up to 'M', it will be. Oh, and I don't write lemons smiles, I'm a bit too young for that. Don't say I didn't warn you!

Author's Note: This is my first NCIS fic, so go easy on me. It will be told in Tony's point of view, in case anyone was wondering. On a side note, I'm a huge Tiva supporter: Tiva all the way! I hope the story isn't too depressing and sad. If anything, I'm just worried about the characters being OOC, but I'll try my best. The chapters won't be too long, otherwise I'll take forever to update...seriously. Anyways, Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS or any of the recognizable characters in this following story.

Chapter One:

* * *

I should of noticed it before.

I was her partner, for god's sake!

I was _supposed_ to protect her..

I was _supposed_ to notice these things...

* * *

It had been a typical Monday morning. I arrived at the bullpen, Probie was there typing away, just like every other morning. Gibbs' coffee was on his desk, just like every other morning. Gibbs slapped me on my head for being late as he entered the bullpen and sipped his coffee, just like every other morning. Yet something was wrong. _She_ never looked at me, _She_ never told me off for being late, never even looked at me, or even said a simple, "Good morning, Tony". I wasn't desperate for her attention or anything, but I knew that THAT didn't happen every other morning.

So I waited. I waited until Gibbs had left the bullpen. That was when I made my first move.

"So, Zee-vah," I started simply. Normally, she would look up or stop typing altogether to listen, but not today. I observed how messy her hair was, and decided to make a joke about it. "Rough weekend?".

Still, no answer.

"Has it occurred to you that she doesn't want to talk to you?".

I snapped my head around to look at Probie. He was still typing away at his screen. "No one asked you Probie".

"Your funeral..".

I leaned back in my comfortable leather chair and observed Ziva. She was unusually quiet today. I tilted my head to the left. She looked a little tired too. I decided to break the silence. "So, Zee-vah, who was he?".

I didn't get an answer, but I tried again. "Boyfriend? Lover? Ex?".

Still, no answer. I could see Probie looking between Ziva and myself. Typical Probie, always the bystander.

"I bet it was the boyfriend, wasn't it? Didn't quite make it to your standards, did he?".

Her fingers visibly punched the buttons on her keyboard slightly harder and her eyes narrowed slightly at the screen. Finally! A reaction from her. Now, to get her to talk...

* * *

I wouldn't of pushed her buttons if I knew what her reaction would be.

I couldn't help it.

I wanted her to open up.

I wanted her to say _something!_

* * *

"Yeah, that's probably it, isn't it? Just can't find a guy to satisfy--"

"Just drop it, Tony!"

* * *

I remember looking at her as if she was a stranger.

It wasn't the first time she'd said that to me.

I knew that she only said it when she didn't want to continue the current topic of conversation.

No, it wasn't what she said that stopped me from teasing her.

It was the way she said it.

Her tone was dangerous, warning me that I was going into foreign territory.

It was a place I didn't belong; a place she didn't want me near.

If I had known that her reaction would be like that, I would've stopped.

I would've stopped before I could do any real damage.

To her.

To me.

But I didn't.

If I knew...

If only I knew where it would lead me, I would've stopped.

I would've stopped without a second thought.

But instead I dug a deeper hole.

One I couldn't get myself out of.

I thought I was making it better...

I just wanted her to open up to me..

To trust me...

We were partners after all.

I wouldn't admit it to her, or to anyone else, but I cared about her a lot more than I gave credit for.

I just had a special way of showing it.

If only she knew..

* * *

End Chapter One:

So, that''s it for the first chapter. Don't forget to review, and constructive criticism is always appreciated! Oh, feel free to tell me about a weird sentence or something, I just use what I hear and read in every day language, as long as I know it makes sense in the sentence. Next chapter will be out soon!


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